My dear readers,

How to Prevent Quarrels

Proverbs 13:10: “Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.”

Contentions (i.e. quarrels) are everyday experiences in all relationships. Most husbands and wives will quarrel from the day they get married. The adjustments between new husbands and wives are innumerable. They grew up in different homes. They will have different perspectives on what a home ought to be like. They may subconsciously mirror their new home after their parents’ homes that they lived in all their lives. Through contentions or disagreements, they will learn to compromise and amalgamate two homes with their individual touches visible in almost every corner. They will also quarrel over more significant issues, such as how to educate and discipline children, whether the husband should change his current job or money matters. Best friends quarrel often, too. It is through their disagreements that they learn to become best friends. Sibling rivalry is ubiquitous all over the world and throughout the ages. After they quarrel and fight, they remain closely knitted as a family, still caring for one another as they grow older. There is no place on earth without quarrels as long as people live together.

How can we live in peace and harmony with little or no quarrels? Can this be a reality?

Human beings are far from perfect in thought, words, deeds and heart. Words and deeds are noticeable because they are heard and seen respectively. Therefore, they are taught to be careful with their words and deeds. However, though invisible to man, the problems of the mind and heart are more deadly and dangerous to self and others because they are the root of all quarrels. Words and deeds are the expressions of what are in the mind and heart. The phrase “speak without thinking” is more figurative than literal. When the heart and mind are pure and good, so will the words and the deeds, with the former preceding the latter. Guard the mind and the heart well, and the words and deeds will bring kindness and encouragement to others and self.

Why are there so many broken relationships if the solution is so simple? Knowing the solution is not the same as solving the problems. The heart of the problem is pride!

Pride stems from an arrogant mind and a carnal heart. The heart defines the motive behind every deed done and word spoken. The mind feeds the heart with what is or is not the right motivation. This deadly combination grips sinful men like an unbreakable vice unless they become new persons with new minds and hearts. Otherwise, they are slaves to their inner man locked within their souls, like inside the deepest and darkest dungeon where the key is thrown into the deepest ocean. There is no escape. With such a sin-filled mind and heart, contentions will plague their lives till they die. Get rid of pride, and they will get rid of contentions.

All humanity is born with the sin of pride. The Bible describes it as the pride of life. As long as man is alive, pride will continue to plague his life. He cannot get rid of it, but he can keep it under control. When pride becomes an obstacle to reconciliation, nothing on earth can remove it. The mind of pride excuses itself by justifying that he is right even when everyone else sees it as wrong. His stubborn pride becomes like scales over his eyes. Unless these scales are removed, the sin of pride will blind him till he dies. The worst part is that he dies with blinded eyes, sincerely believing he has the clearest of sight, and everyone else who disagrees with him is blind! Pride is found in all men but is rooted the deepest in people lifted high with titles and accolades that inflate their pride like helium-filled balloons floating above the stars at night and the clouds by day. Coaxing him to come down from such a height is like coaxing a ferocious lion to come down from Mount Everest. It would instead devour you than let you near him.

Proverbs 13:10b gives the solution, “but with the well advised is wisdom.” The phrase “well advised” means “endowed with good counsel.”

Who are these people endowed with good counsel? They are the children of God who possess the mind of Christ and the heart of God’s sacrificial and unconditional love. They experienced these transformations within them when they received Jesus Christ into their heart as their Lord and Saviour. Christ died on the cross at Calvary for their sins and rose from the dead by the power of God on the third day after He died. This salvation experience lasts eternally. The mind of Christ enables him to understand the Bible correctly. The heart of God's love allows him to obey the Word of God willingly, all the time. As he grows in obedience to the knowledge of God’s Word, he becomes wiser. Wisdom is the application of the knowledge of God’s Word.

Not only does Christ's mind help him to understand God's Word correctly and obey it, it is also a mind of great humility. Humility is the antidote against the pride of life. With God’s Word as his heavenly yardstick to evaluate all that is right and wrong in both the spiritual and physical realms, for the sake of Christ he will willingly repent of his sins once they are made known to him. With the mind of Christ and Christ’s godly example in his heart, he will not continuously insist that he is right on preferential things. He will surrender his rights for the well-being of others to God’s glory. Such a godly mind and heart is best exemplified by Paul’s testimony and conviction in 1 Corinthians 9:19-23: “¹⁹For though I be free from all men, yet have I made myself servant unto all, that I might gain the more. ²⁰And unto the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might gain the Jews; to them that are under the law, as under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law; ²¹To them that are without law, as without law, (being not without law to God, but under the law to Christ,) that I might gain them that are without law. ²²To the weak became I as weak, that I might gain the weak: I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some. ²³And this I do for the gospel's sake, that I might be partaker thereof with you.” Every wise child of God will follow Paul’s godly example to keep his pride from rearing its ugly head.

The world will constantly try its utmost to push God’s knowledge out and force its arrogant, carnal ideas in. When God’s child stops studying, he will either forget God’s Word or allow carnal knowledge to fill in the gaps caused by forgetfulness. Keep studying God’s Word with a heart of obedience so that your mind of Christ will be continuously filled with the knowledge of God. In this way, quarrels will be few and far between.

A life without quarrels is impossible on this earth while living in this mortal body. However, in Christ Jesus our Lord and Saviour, every child of God can reduce his quarrels exponentially by keeping himself humble in Christ. He must see himself as a sinner saved by God’s grace, even with many accolades of the world to his name. All that he has and is are from his heavenly Father. Without Jesus Christ, he can do nothing, and he is nothing! Therefore, he will repent for Christ's sake when sin or error is pointed out. He redirects them all to His Lord and God Jesus Christ when praised. In this way, he keeps contention away in all his relationships. Will you do the same as God's child?