My dear readers,

Is Your Wife a Gain or a Pain?

Proverbs 12:4: “A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.”

Marriage is for life to all born-again believers. There is no doubt about this doctrine in the hearts and minds of all Christian husbands and wives. Yet this “marriage-that-lasts-a-life-time” doctrine must not be obeyed legalistically. Sadly, many married couples are married in name but not in life. They are seen together and live in the same home and go to church together to worship, but in reality their marriage is not one that Christ intended all Christian marriages to be. There is anger and many months of silent treatment. The coldness between husbands and wives has stumbled many children. Their hypocrisy has turned many children away from Christ!

The Christian marriage should be a godly, Christ-centred home but it has become a carnal mammon-centred home. It is a sad thing to live in a carnal and broken home where no Christian dwells. But the saddest thing is to live in a carnal and broken home that has the façade of Christianity because professing Christians live in it. The name of Christ, who is the only One who can save a sinner from hell, is tarnished and turned into vanity in that home. All who live in that home, or know that home, are exposed and stumbled by its testimony.

The bulk of the responsibility lies with the head of that home as Proverbs 12:4 reveals. What becomes of the wife’s spiritual condition from the day of their marriage, if the Christian wife is submissive and obedient to the husband, is entirely the husband’s responsibility. She can become either a gain or a pain to him and the family.

Is your wife a gain or a pain?

Proverbs 12:4a says that “a virtuous woman is a crown to her husband.” A virtuous woman is defined here as a Christian wife with a strong character. She is definitely born again in Christ. No one who is not born again can be virtuous, for the context is the Book of Proverbs written by God for His people Israel. This Christian character includes the fruit of the spirit (i.e. love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance), patience, fear of God, and all spiritual virtues. She reads the Bible daily to keep herself spiritually nourished, for she knows that the only way to know her heavenly Father better is through a diligent study of God's Word. She prays without ceasing for herself and her family. She submits to her husband as unto the Lord. She serves the Lord Jesus Christ in all that she does whether she is at home, in church, out with other Christians or non-Christian friends and relatives. She is constrained by her love for God as she serves so that even in the midst of disappointment and persecution, she remains faithful to Christ and will continue to give her best to her Lord.

She serves quietly with abject humility seeking only to promote Christ, for she understands that Christ must increase and she must decrease. In this manner, others around her will see Christ in her life, thus bringing glory to God in all she does. Sinners will be saved through the gospel shared by her as she lives a virtuous life of holy witness. They see Christ in her before they even hear about Christ! Fellow believers are encouraged to be like her as she is a living testimony of the words of the apostle Paul who encouraged believers to follow him as he followed Christ! In short, she knows what is important in her life and the lives of her family as a godly wife and mother.

She is a crown to her husband because he is the head of the house, and she being a submissive wife would not be able to do all she does and become such a godly and spiritual example without her husband’s encouragement and spiritual emphasis. Others who see her holiness know that she bears her husband’s name and it is due to her many years of marriage to him and his godly impact that she has become a virtuous woman!

However, if she “maketh ashamed”, i.e. causes shame, then she is “as rottenness in his bones.” The wife causes shame by her carnal words and conduct. Her words are seasoned with complaints instead of salt. She murmurs and sows seeds of discord wherever she is found. She is a busybody who minds others’ business and neglects her own. She does not pray except in the presence of other believers to maintain her façade of hypocrisy. She is carnal but likes to appear spiritual! She speaks Christian words in public but harsh and unkind words in private. She lives a double life! Her children fear her, for she disciplines them out of anger and frustration. She does not read the Bible because to her it is a waste of time. She has a thirst and hunger for all things carnal and not for the things of God. Prayer and joy of the Lord are seen of her when she comes to church for worship, but not at home or “in the closet”! She loves the limelight and dresses to impress instead of dressing modestly with the fear of God in her heart and because she loves Christ!

Her life of carnality describes her as one who “makes shame.” It takes time to make something. She was probably not carnal when she married her husband. But after being married for many years, she becomes carnal. Thus, the phrase used is “maketh ashamed”. She bears his name wherever she goes. She bears his name whenever she speaks. Every day of her carnal life, she makes shame for her husband. She is her husband’s “creation.”

Her husband has made her into a shameful wife and a derelict mother and she has now become “as rottenness in his bones.” When the inside of the bones hurt there is no relief for the unreachable pain. The shame persists. His witness is ruined. If they have children, their souls are probably condemned by the hypocrisy of the parents year after year. They might have much in material things, but the cost the parents pay is extremely high. It costs them their children’s souls. It costs them the life of holiness that could have been theirs if they had begun to build their home years ago after marriage. Now it is a life of great pain and regret.

Such pain cannot be treated as the wife’s character, after many years of marriage to him, has become like the leopard that cannot change its spots! Unless the husband repents of his sins of failure as a husband and father to the family before God, there is no relief and stopping the shame! The mental, spiritual, and emotional turmoil that grips their minds and hearts daily has become almost unbearable. They have little to look forward to in terms of anything spiritual. He does not get along with his wife as all they have is a façade of togetherness that is all form without heart and soul. Children are so far gone into the world that the lusts of the flesh and eyes have consumed them while living in their pricy home. The pride of life in their children’s heart is as hard as flint!

To save himself and his family, his only recourse must be to constantly pray and beg for God's mercy. Perhaps he fears it is a matter of too little too late. But he must try!

May this be the prayer of every born-again husband: “O God be merciful and help me to be a godly husband so that my wife will be a gain and not a pain, for Christ’s sake. Amen.”